If I Catch You Doing Any Of These, Throat Chop

I would like to start this by saying that I am not the etiquette police. However, there are some rules to eating out. Some are flexible and should be dealt with on a case by case basis and then there are others that are concrete, immovable and unforgivable when broken. We have probably all experienced the following in some form or fashion so feel free to give any of these your own "Throat Chop Score". Enjoy!

Don’t punish the waiter because the food was bad

The waitress/waiter, did not cook your food. Heck, nowadays, the chef probably didn’t even cook your food. Anyway, don’t blame the server for your food being jacked up. Most of the time it starts with you, the customer. Yes you!!! You knew when you went into {insert random quick service chain here} that it was 50/50 that you were going to have a bad experience. That server can’t help that the food is bad. All he or she can do is take it back and try to appease you. You should still tip him/her in accordance with your bill. PERIOD! Throat Chop Level: 7

If the restaurant closes at 9 and u get there at 8:50 expect angry stares

So lets say that you’re at your 9 to 5 or 8 to 4 or whatever and its been a long day. All you’ve been able to think about since getting there is going home. Your feet hurt, you spilled your 10am coffee on you at 10:01 and your head is throbbing from the constant ringing of the phone or from angry customers or just in general. It’s 10 minutes until go time and you’re doing all you can to not line up at the door like Usain Bolt in the 100. You’ve got all your stuff. Desk is clear. Computer is shutting down and your boss comes in and asks you to complete some five minute forms that you know are going to take thirty minutes. Now you’re “Big Mad”. “Real Big Mad”. But you need your job. So you fill out the forms with an attitude and plenty of teeth sucking. Now you understand what it feels like to have someone show up to dine in a couple minutes before closing. At least have the decency to take your food to-go if you just have to have that “favorite thing that you can’t do without until tomorrow” entrée. Throat Chop Level: 7

If You Have Unruly Children, Get Them Under Control!

Now before I type this, let me first say that this does not apply to children with disabilities or developmental issues. I'm just talking about kids whose parents haven't instilled that manners are important when out in public. Now, with that being said, you know your kids. If they don’t act right at the dinner table at home, what makes you think you’re going to get something different out in public. Keep your little demons locked away in the villa. SMH. This applies to the movie theater as well. Throat Chop Level 8

No Speakerphone

Nobody thinks your cool because your in middle management at your job and have a couple people you order around. Nobody thinks your awesome because you are moving a couple dollars around in your 401 K. Stop. Stop Right Now. Turn the speaker phone off! Throat Chop Level: 8

Expecting 5 Star Service at a 2 star Restaurant

I remember years ago I was dating a young lady. We’d only been seeing each other about a month. She seemed to have a great head on her shoulders. Educated, no crazy exes, had all her teeth, etc. At this point we weren’t at the “dining out at a super nice restaurant” stage. This particular night we went to XYZ Bistro (yes this is fictional. Don’t want to hear a thousand people telling me how much the place sucks). So XYZ was one of those spots where most plates are between $8 and $12 so we’re not talking about white table cloths and brass crumb removers. To make this story as painless as possible, I’ll jump right to the entrees. She ordered crab cakes. They came out and her face immediately morphed into something unrecognizable. Just to preface what happens next, the crab cake entrée was $10. So there were two crab cakes that were both the size of a small drink coaster. They didn’t seem to have much crab in them but I kept my mouth closed as to not add to the inferno I saw burning in her eyes. She made a couple of sounds of disgust and said “I need that waiter.” He was not within view so we waited a few beats before she did the unthinkable and raised her hand. A waitress nearby came to assist us and before the poor girl got within 5 feet of the table my dinner companion, in a very firm, very demanding voice said, “This is not what I ordered.” “Get me your manager!” So the manager comes out as does OUR waiter and she proceeds to go HAM about her $10 dollar pair of crab cakes. All this to say, You get what you pay for. A $10 dollar crab cake is going to be mostly breading minced onion and if you’re lucky you may get an ounce or so of some backfin meat and some diced red pepper. Throat Chop Level: 10

Blowing your nose at the table

Ok, so I’m at this buffet. (This didn’t start out right at all). I’m at this buffet with one of my chef friends. It’s trashy Chinese Tuesday and I wanted my fried rice and saucy chicken. There’s an older gentleman sitting next to us who looked to have been there for quite a while. He was four plates deep and still going. I’m not hatin… Just saying he looked to have made himself at home. We’d just come back to our table with our plates and were about to dig in and I hear what I thought was a whoopie cushion. I remember thinking, somebody’s got jokes. So childish…. Bringing a whoopie cushion to the buffet. But it was not a whoopie cushion. It was the older gentleman, nose deep in a napkin that was too small for his nose. This is a violation of the nth degree. Most restaurants have bathrooms. Why not take your nose and your germs in there and blow instead of grossing out 45 people who waited all day to get the same bourbon chicken you spooned onto your plate with those same grubby, snotty, nasty fingers. At least do it in the bathroom and let us pretend you washed your hands. The story doesn’t end here though. He then places his snot rag on the table for the waitress to pick up with her hands…. The same hands that pour my tea btw and proceeds forthwith back to the buffet to get another plate bypassing both bathroom and wall affixed hand sanitizer thingy. Throat Chop Level: A million